What Do I Want?

I hope someone can tell me what do I want right now? What is my heart yearning for?

I am a long time dreamer. I’ve dreamt about being an entrepreneur since I was 17. I chose my major becuase of this, I chose not to apply for job after college because of this, I chose to invest most of my time procrastinating about this. I WAS HAPPY.

I got my first chance to realizing my dream, starting a small retail ventures in fast fashion. Highly involved on the end-to-end supply chain process: choosing fabric, concepting, designing, vendor management, selling, marketing, to warehousing. I admit the venture was inefficient, it was high cost high labor low margin. But I WAS HAPPY.

Sadly the venture failed. Mismanagement, unprepared, lack of discipline. I think these three reason has described the main background of the failure very well. I try to avoid the word “failure”, but today I have to admit the defeat and moving on.

Then I got a chance to work in a company. At that time my condition wasn’t ideal. I don’t have the faith and trust on myself. I feel like I am useless and incapable of achieving success. Little by little I braced myself to be strong, to be more resilient, to love myself. I did all the possible things in order to regain my confidence: seeking professional help, talking to people, attend mentoring, read empowering article. Lucky me to be surrounded by so many amazing people along the way.

I did it. I survived.

In this point I have learned that dream is not enough. We need a target and series of action plans, a concrete steps. I learned that having a big and unfocused dream will exhaust us from the uncertainty. We need to create smaller dreams and shorter steps. Which I did. I WAS HAPPY (or not?).

Ever since I work professionally, I made 4 smaller target that I want to achieve in short-term. 1) Joining my current team (5 years already), 2) Taking a certification related to my work field (certified, Alhamdulillah), 3) Send to Singapore for work (well, London was okay🙂), 4) Promoted to be Head of the team (🙃). In principle, 6.5 years I achieved all. But why I’M NOT HAPPY?

I asked myself a million time why I am not happy. Before, everytime I got my target checked my heart felt like bursting into pieces. Excited to the point I want to achieve more and more, get all the appreciation I could get, soar higher than ever. But why at the very last, where I managed to get everything I want, when I tick my final and almost impossible target to achieve in a such short period of time, I lost all the sparks....

To be frank, I couldn’t think straight right know.. My mind seems to be swayed left and right. I’ve made my decision already, to leave the company. To leave all the good and bad memories behind, and cherish them in my heart forever. But there are times where I feel doubtful, like now, when I am writing this post. I am worried my career would be ruined, or worst, I cannot find a new dream and stuck with unemployment forever....

Oh God... This is the toughest decision I’ve ever made. I know I couldn’t be 100% sure, no one knows what the future holds. But please.... Please.... Guide me once again to the best answer from Your perspective, whilst I still have time left before it’s final....

//Room. 2am in the morning